tell your sister to shave her snatch
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Come on in and take your pants off
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
