My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize