i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
