now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
