I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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