what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Randomize
