youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
