no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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