fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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