Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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