Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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