Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
3pm strippers are depressing
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
ok first of all what the fuck
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
