so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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