I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
