walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
