Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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