my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
