i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
