Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
