i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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