The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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