Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
