dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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