gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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