You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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