Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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