so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
