Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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