I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
