you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
