if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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