i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
