Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
