I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize