So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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