I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
