but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
