i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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