You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
