Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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