My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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