xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
