tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
