I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
