Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
i think im in europe. pls send help
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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