sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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