I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
