His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
