I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
