walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
