My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
