NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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