I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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