You don't have asthma, your pregnant
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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