Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize