We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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