That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
The beers last night were like the tears from god
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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