The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
