Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize