Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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