On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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