I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
