the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
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