im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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