The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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