If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
