I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
please come you make the beer taste better
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
