I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
