I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
you inspire me to be a worse person
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Randomize